unhappy

I can't remember when was the last time I drew or wrote someting regarding love
for myself. it's always hate, anger and fury. I used to draw a lot for my own pleasure,
took pride in the drawings and they were not to give away. now, I only draw things
so I can give them away.

I know we all have our own demons and shit we have to deal with, but I can't
seem to take a decision. my head is all messed up. it's always in my head "what
should I do about it?" I can't seem to get a fucking answer. I'm somehow trapped
between the spiritual me and the ... I don't even know. something something me,
that doesn't wanna let go. I spent so much time to become a righteous person, never
do anything immoral and just be true to myself and when the day will come and I'll
look back upon my life, I'll be proud. fucking proud that I was the best a human can be.
never be eaten by the spirit crusher, never giving up into the flesh and all that shit so
many do. always keep away from those that did. those who just sucked cock just to
be appreciated, lie, cheat, be stupid on purpose, never read, never try to learn more
about anythings, act superior when they're not et caetera.

even if someone told me that they've changed, can I really believe that? people don't
change their essence. you are whatever you choose to be. and everything that we do is
our choice. so why or how could I really believe that people change? but let's say they do,
they do change. but the past is still there! the past built from shit load of fucked up
choices, things that I don't want to be linked to. things that I truly hate in a person
and things that make me sick. the past speaks about a person.

and in the end I don't care what people say, it bothers *me*. it's my story, my life and I
want to be happy. really happy. and I can't feel happy, no matter what I do. I'm somehow
stuck in my head knowing that I just have to make up my mind and all I do is let time
pass by me till one morning I'll wake up and just know what I have to do.

I hate this state